Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
You Might Also Like
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.