I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*