Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
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my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
and this one
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.