I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
They did not miss in the small print
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.