I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
The First Farmer
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.