I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?