if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay