Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan