My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
You Might Also Like
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.