Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
You Might Also Like
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Mornin
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi