Mornin
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[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?