Hey I worked for it too!
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
best first i’ve ever seen
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My therapist after every session
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.