Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.