If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
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santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I can’t stop laughing at this
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.