I can’t stop laughing at this
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No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
same energy
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am