I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”