@BradBroaddus

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

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@UncleDuke1969

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

@joe_binkley

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

@mynameisntdave

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

@joeljeffrey

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

@jenspyra

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

@KateQFunny

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

@HanaMichels

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

@iinkedZombie

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.