My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.


Brain: Magical!


“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”


GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish


I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.


I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.


Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.


I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.


Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.


The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.