My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…