I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
welp
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
marvel comics have peaked
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*