Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
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Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks