Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.