hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”