When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
u spoke cat all this time??????
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Sunday
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six