he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.