People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
You’ll be OK
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”