“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
More like Kate Missington.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Wedding planning is organized crime.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Why font matters.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?