People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.


I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”


Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.


Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.


Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes


Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?