@topaz_kell Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
@Xeriland People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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@topaz_kell 
@bdbdleeroybrown I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
@markydoodoo Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
@SvnSxty why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
@Arbitral Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
@UncleDuke1969 When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
@goldengateblond Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
@decentbirthday Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
@breadzeppellin Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?