People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”