People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”