Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset