if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
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To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes