Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
tinder is all about the long game
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm