I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
A collection of me turning into random objects.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.