I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!