“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes