It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
You Might Also Like
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
*seductively eats two tums*
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh