SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
This meal prepping shit is easy
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me too
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.