the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
You Might Also Like
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.