If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Ah..makes sense now
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice