if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”