Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”


employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao


[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?


GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?


NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time


I hate being bipolar it’s awesome


My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.


I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.


When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.


Body: I’m sooooooo tired