Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.