I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
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WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello