I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that