“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
You Might Also Like
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman