Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.