CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
You Might Also Like
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
me, after any kind of buffet.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.