*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.