I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
You Might Also Like
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
This raises questions
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”