[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
some Old Testament wisdom
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists