If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
This checks out
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend