If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Taking phone security to the next level.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
every college guy’s fridge
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Spring cleaning checklist…
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?