[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
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There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?