Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?