Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.