I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
This is a whole mood;
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day