While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
![]()
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead