If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
This 4th of July, please remember…
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.