My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
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Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.