You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Why I divorced her.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
This is sending me to another galaxy
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”